vocalist, mother, wife and spiritualist

lately

2012-01-14T21:45:00.001-08:00

feeling very stressed and out of balance the past few days, so here are some pictures.

coffee + cookies ((+ cengkok by Supadmi...a lovely trio of delight))

spinach+ sausage

my crazy new organizational project (the BEFORE picture)

my love

This morning

2012-01-10T12:09:00.000-08:00

Javanese dance practice at the park

In dire need of coffee at Whole Foods

Crack for me (coffee) and Sohna (soymilk and organic animal crackers)

Found this great, honest interview with 18 different musicians who are mothers:
http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists/2011/05/musical-moms-talk-motherhood.html

Now we're home...Sohna will sleep and I can practice sindhenan plus a new piece I'm working on...

xoxoxox Maeg

future dreams+inspiration

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

The next time we're in Java, my husband and I are planning to help renovate and decorate my mother-in-law's compound in Central Java, Indonesia. The property has been in my husband's family for over 100 years, and many different configurations of houses have been there. This is what the outside of the house looks like now:

It was recently renovated to adhere to changing zoning laws which require larger "neutral" zones between properties. The house extends much further on both sides, and is quite large. I'm not sure who is occupying what spaces at this point, but we're hoping that the entire extended family will be interested in improving the home, which can be quite expensive.

Even though we have very limited funds at this point, the dollar is much larger than rupiah and can go much further over there- at this point, I can't even begin to dream of renovating or buying at house in the U.S. In Java this is more of a possibility, and we hope that we'll be able to do some things that make the house more comfortable and soothing. My husband has a large extended family and everyone is very creative and skilled at working with their hands....my brothers-in-law rigged up this bamboo structure (you can see the overhead part just barely- it covered the entire courtyard!) for our wedding in about three hours:

For the exterior of the house, we're hoping to first clear away the debris. We'd also like to paint- we're not sure what colors will look best and have a lot of consulting to do with my mother-in-law, but perhaps a cream or eggshell would look nice. I love the colorfully painted bamboo shades that are hanging in the doorways and think that cream would set these off nicely.

It is too hot to plant grass, but we may add a pebbled section in front of the house to keep the dust down and provide a place to plant small trees, like this:

We'll mark the borders of the gravel/pebble with larger stones or bricks, and then plant new trees which will eventually provide shade and fresh, clean air in the hot, polluted mid-day...kind of like this:

I'd love to find some way to extend the edges of the roof as well, to provide even more shade for the front of the house. I'm not sure how this works and will have to work on this more once we're there. Maybe something like this??

We'll also plant some native plants and probably have some in pots as well...let's hear it for gorgeous orchids and succulents! Hopefully we'll be able to find a large aloe plant somewhere...my husband rubs a fresh cutting of aloe vera all over his face every day when we're in Java and I think this is why he looks so young!

Now comes the fun part...the tile! Carpet is pretty impractical for Java, even in the bedrooms and living rooms. It would be hot, dirty and attract mosquitoes. There's nothing like walking barefoot on cool tile in the middle of a hot day. Right now, I believe the floors are currently bare cement.

Tiles can be expensive, so we may end up choosing plain white or cream ceramic tiles, but it certainly is fun to dream!

The house is fully furnished. Most of the furniture is very basic, plastic and falling apart, however, so it will be nice to one day replace it with sturdy, traditional pieces. I'm not sure what our budget will be like, so this part will most likely be down the line. Java is famous for its hand-carved teak and bamboo furniture. Here are some inspiring pieces:

We'll also paint the interior and do some minimal decorating according the our family's individual tastes. Many people in Java has extremely minimal furniture and possessions; I love this and aspire to live in such a way...I think the more stuff you have, the more you are fettered to the mundane! Look at this very traditional living room with the very big Jesus!

I love creating beautiful, inviting spaces that allow your mind to breathe and your heart to sing. I have moved 22 times and always get an enormous kick out of decorating and making changes. The home renovation in Java is like a dream come true for me and I truly can't wait...

xoxoxo M

finally five ponies

2012-01-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was incredibly beautiful, because we finally were able to do something that we have been dreaming of doing for almost two and a half years. It feels surreal and almost unbelievable. More on this later. For now, our yesterday was like this:

We made breakfast, a treat since I normally don't eat wheat! Delicious organic, sprouted wheat bread with a yummy organic egg fried right in the middle of it! A meal my single-working-mother often prepared for us as children.

Sohna and I got ready- my look was pretty great, but not quite as wonderful as hers- she requested "FIVE ponies, Mommy," and I was happy to oblige.

And then a very relaxing afternoon with lots of sun, a long walk and excitement for the future...

xoxo m

Sohna's Bedtime Routine

2012-01-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

We've been trying this routine for Sohna as a way to encourage an earlier bedtime. Sohna is a late to bed, late to rise kind of child- perhaps this is her musician's blood? Regardless, her natural tendencies leave little alone time for me to work on important creative projects, self care, or of course, the time to practice music which is vital to my existence and career. Sohna has the unfortunate habit of waking up as soon as I leave the bed for whatever reason, and if I need to rise early for yoga, she wakes up angry and exhausted, having gone to sleep at 11 or 12 pm. Toddlers Sohna's age need 10-12 hours of sleep per night.

We are also moving her into her toddler bed, which is in our bedroom. We have shared sleep since she was born, and for a long time this worked well. I could roll over and nurse her without truly waking up. But now I am exhausted, angry and aching for extended periods of alone time for creativity. Our beautiful shared sleep is no longer sustainable and we are ready for a change.

So far the bedtime routine of bathtime, Indonesian children's songs on YouTube, candlelight, massage with ayurvedic oils, books and nursing in her bed is minimally successful. I started her routine at 8 last night and she didn't fall asleep until 11:30 pm. But we're not giving up! Consistency is key.

DISCLAIMER:I'm not looking for any advice against toddler nursing or sleep-sharing!

2012

2012-01-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

I'm back! In 2011 I decided to make my blog private; I used it record some of my private thoughts during what was a very difficult but rewarding year. We lived on Vashon Island near Seattle, Washington and had to fight very hard for our way of life.

Last year was the year of the Rabbit; being a born in the year of the Rat I was chased by Rabbit all year long, and had to do lots of creative dodging and jumping to keep my head above water, particularly in the emotional, wealth and health aspects of my life. But 2012 is the year of the Dragon...not just any Dragon, but a Black Water Dragon. I am a Water Rat...I can swim through anything and come out dry and glossy! I am looking forward to a year that promises to be full of action and reflection. I am already feeling the stagnant, oppressive and debilitating energy of 2011 begin to leave my life and body. I have escaped the Rabbit's paw.

We have returned to the Bay Area and are enjoying a newly found abundance of work, creativity and opportunities to go inward. A very deep, rejuvenating time for our family!

I will be posting a lot about routine here, as I am learning more and more that routine is something so beneficial to those with great amounts of water in their constitution and temperment(me). I am looking forward to sharing what works for me and what doesn't. Tomorrow is:

AM
6:00 Wake and shower
7:00 Yoga
8:30 Breakfast
9-11:00 Long, brisk walk with Sohna to the library grounds
12:00 Lunch

PM
1:00 Sohna's nap and my time to practice
2:30-3:00 Household chores
4:00 Prep dinner
5-6:00 Evening bike ride (by myself, YAY Mom time)
6:30 Dinner
7:30 Sohna's bath and bedtime routine
9:00 More practice, reading, blogging or movies
10-11:00 Bedtime

Would love your feedback. Does this routine seem reasonable to you? The only pitfall I think will be rehearsals in the evening, which can be very random.

Love,
M

more pics from my webcam

2010-12-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry, but it's the only camera working around here these days...part of me likes the fuzzy quality for some reason.

This is my little nurser

This shows my love of red lipstick

This is when we put Sohna in the laundry basket

This Week's Meal Plan

2010-12-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

Monday
Spinach and roast chicken

Tuesday
eating at the Indo Cafe, we've got a gig there...mmmmmmmmmm

Wednesday
sweet potato and chard soup

Thursday
egg, cabbage and carrot stir fry

Friday
Salmon and potato stir fry with spinach salad

Saturday
Tofu and Broccoli sautee

I dreamt

2010-12-12T21:39:00.001-08:00

That I was living in a fort and that I gave birth to our second child. It was very easy to birth her, and we named her Sohna Eduardo Sukarwanto.

?

what I like

2010-12-10T14:40:00.000-08:00

Ragamala paintings

Red lipstick

Vibrant green in nature

Vetiver oil

Doveling turns one

2010-12-09T12:10:00.000-08:00

My sweet dove lover queen baby is turning 1 today at 5:46 pm. She is my heartsong.
She is the emerald of our eyes.

Sohna Inarika, we love you...

what Krus likes

2010-12-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

coffee...every morning he has a large cup of dark coffee with organic cream and sugar.

kretek- these are special Indonesian, unfiltered clove cigarettes... thick and heavy

vintage vespas- his vespa in Java looked like this. He would spend hours and hours working on it. He misses being able to drive a motorcycle around here.

pants- he is always searching for the perfect pair

acceptance

speaking only when necessary- a very beautiful practice but hard to live with sometimes

instrument repair and tinkering

What Sohna Likes

2010-12-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

Raw carrots for her poor teething gums- she's working on number 7!!

Eating by herself! We have been just giving her finger foods or her own spoon and letting everything fly around! It's pretty messy...

Walking up to the piano and tinkling the keys

Nursing!

being cozy with momma all the time

Pandas

Bollywood Films...in particular Raja Hindustani

mother+performer

2010-12-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

Sohna is almost a year old now (expect a post about THAT coming up soon). This year was definitely a balancing act. When I became pregnant, I toyed with the idea of giving up music, but ultimately I knew that I would want to continue making music as much as I could. I especially felt this way after I gave birth and saw how strong the artist was in Sohna's soul/personality. I know that it is important for her to see us creating music, for her to come with us to rehearsals and performances and be immersed in the world of artists and song.

Here are My Things that make being a performer and mother of an infant/toddler easier:

1. A sling or baby wrap. Can be used for rehearsals and performances, and baby can breastfeed or nap in the sling. A lot of people actually get a big kick out of this kind of thing and delight in seeing you perform whilst wearing a babe.

2. Boobs. I can't imagine having to prepare bottles of formula on the road or during a performance. With the boobs, the baby is (hopefully) quietly calm and nursing away at any given point. Hot, sweet milk is ready at any given moment.

3. An unapologetic attitude. You want me to sing, than the baby is coming.

4. The most important one of all- having a performing husband/partner who supports and loves you and your baby. If you have one of these, you are a lucky mama!

There is so much pressure on mothers to "get back out there" and "work" after the birth of a baby. For me, part of that comes from society and part of that comes from the sense of my own destiny and life work. Many mothers may feel that a baby is "unacceptable" or difficult to "drag around" from performance to performance, or that their babies would not be welcome. My experience has been the EXACT opposite. Sohna has been welcomed by the music community- fellow performers delight in her, fawn over her and celebrate her musicality- in one instance, Orkes Manohara (the music duo Krus and I perform as) was written up in a review which mentioned Sohna's singing along during one of the songs.

The gentle and helpless demands of babies command you to be present in the moment, in tune with your/their body and to offer up your ego to the spiritual work which is parenting.

Parenting and music are both spiritual professions- it is lucky to serve them both!

confusion, angst, straight hair

2010-10-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

Things keep changing in life- do they ever stop?

We are trying to arrange our lives in a good way- with lots of love, a lot of good music making, and enough money. It is hard to figure this all out in the US. It is hard to figure out in Java.

There is now the option of us going back to Java so I can get my Master's in Ethnomusicology, which is so exciting and great to think about. We would be there for two years and be able to visit US once or twice in that time. But we would have to live with my family again to be able to save up enough money- maybe for 5-6 months.

And we would be leaving this beautiful house and oh, it is all so confusing. But making money here is not happening.

Just think some good thoughts for us, okay?

ookelah...

a random morning

2010-09-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am writing this from our porch, drinking amazing coffee, looking down our long tree-lined driveway, and smoking one of my darling's clove cigarettes. It feels amazing.

It's fall on Vashon Island. Fall is a very special time for me energetically- usually a period of rejuvenation and creativity happens, and this is definitely going on for me now.

We are meeting Annie and Jude for thrifting, and then Jessika, Eyvind, Holly and Oi are coming over for a rehearsal.

Sohna is 9 months old today.

I am finally getting on with trying to loose the weight I gained with pregnancy. I've been doing a lot of yoga, and on Monday I'll start taking classes in this special anti-inflammatory diet- no wheat, dairy, sugar, pork or alcohol.

WEEEE

But this morning I had an organic, fresh scrambled egg on top of organic, artisan bread. And beautiful dark coffee with thick organic cream and sugar.

It was so good.

But fitting into some of my clothes I think will be ever more "good." I've been alternating the same 3 outfits for 9 months. That's good. A nice lesson in simplicity. But I looooove clothes. Not stupid, everyday factory clothing. But beautiful, vintage, special clothing that helps my mind fall into different archetypes.

I love my honey. He is so cute. He wears pink socks. He has the best smile. He makes Sohna's brown rice cereal by hand, grinding it in the food mill, boiling an organic carrot and a piece of kale, and mixing it all up for her, 2x a day.

kiss

we use two calendars at our house

2010-07-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

In Java, there are two calendars used. One is the Gregorian calendar (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so forth) and the other is Javanese calendar, which only has 5 days. The days are Legi, Pahing, Pon, Wage and Kliwon.

They are both used simultaneously and coincide every 35 days. For example, today is Thursday Pon, and 35 days from now. it will be Thursday Pon again.

Sohna was born on Wednesday Pahing, so in Javanese mysticism (called Bercayaan Jawa or Kebatinan or sometimes Kejawen) yesterday was very special and important to her. It is called her day of "weton." Sometimes a Javanese person will stay inside, fasting and meditating, if it is their weton.

Krus and his family practice Kejawen so beautifully. His father was particularly knowledgeable and a very strong spiritualist. He passed away 3 years ago, so I never met him- although I feel I know him well. His mother and I are very close though. She is so peaceful and strong.

Her name is Suyati...

The importance of Kejawen lies in maintaining a sense of harmony all around you- with your family, community, nature and spirits. You strive to understand your significance in the world through meditation, awareness, ritual, and fasting , but mostly through acts of goodness.

Krus has done this his entire life, but I am just recently taking a real interest.

Also praying for dear Jude who is in the hospital right now, not feeling very well!

oh piano

2010-07-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful show at the Joan Hanna Barn...

It is so good to do music. Good for me, good for Sohna, for Krus, for everyone. Krus and I met through music, and our marriage was based around rehearsing, performing and touring until we moved back to the U.S. about a year ago. Music was all we did. Then suddenly we were stuck in No Man's Land- which means new parents with no connections in strange city. A difficult combination.

So we are happy to be in our beautiful home, near beautiful friends who make beautiful music.

Pretty soon my website for my vocal studio, Voice Bening, will be launching. Bening means "clear" or "crystal-like" in Indonesian.

I am completely ready for new students except for the lack of an upright piano. Fortunately, I think a lot of the lessons will be centered around music that doesn't require a piano. But still...I am ready for one to manifest in our living room.

oh seattle

2010-07-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

you are a city. we live in the country now so you feel very bustly.

All of these photos were taken by Jude!

sohna was happy in Jude's car

and promptly started reaching for the camera.

we went to a park so Jude's dog Rosie could play frisbee.

I picked some flowers for Krus while he ate cherries.

we went grocery shopping.

we had Vietnamese noodle soup and Jude bought Sohna a dress...photos of these things didn't happen.

we drove home, frazzled but happy.

now Sohna is sleeping. we had soy ice cream and clemetine oranges. Krus is wathcing james bond....

selamat mimpi manis.

jauh jauh

2010-07-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

A good day. We cooked this morning for our afternoon rehearsal.

Our food before

Our food after everyone left

Krus is pooped

And so is Sohna

It was a wonderful rehearsal

I am still doing chores and have many more projects for the evening

Tomorrow we are going into the city and may not post....

Good night dear ones

back in the saddle

2010-07-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

I feel ready to start writing more frequently in here again, and posting more pictures. Sohna is sleeping now, she is still my most favorite dream come true- she is the star of my eye.

Tonight we started steeping the nettle tea. Nettle is very beneficial for the liver and has a lot of iron in it. Also, if you let it steep long enough (we do it over night) it will turn a lovely dark green. Delicious with honey and ice on a summer's day.

Sohna was gifted a swing by Uncle Jude. She doesn't quite know what to make of it.

I have started knitting three times with this beautiful yellow yarn I got from Granny's Attic and each time it doesn't seem right.

Our backyard view

Tomorrow Jessika, Eyvind, Holly, Oi and Utisah are coming over to rehearse for our show on the 24th at Joan Hanna's barn- Ritual Music....
I think I will make a lamb curry with eggplant and some leek fritters. And of course, the nettle tea.

Sweet dreams...

I really want to make a long post!

2010-07-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

About our new permanent home (our last photo shoot was in our temporary sublet) which is on the beach, with three bedrooms and a nice area of land...lots of trees, shade, and a totally front stage view of the water.

But for now I'll just mention our weekly meal plan, which we are creating to simplify our cooking. We make very elaborate Indonesian food quite often, but we're ready to eat more simply and without too much thought. We also want to eat only twice a day. So this will be our meal plan each week, and probably will be until we grow tired of it.

Breakfast will pretty much always consist of a combination of some of the following:

coffee
toast
fruit
cottage cheese
goat yogurt

And our other meal of the day will be:

Monday:
Roast turmeric chicken with sweet potato and vegetables

Tuesday:
Salad with carrots, olives and grilled vegetables

Wednesday:
Vegetable omelet with rice

Thursday:
Tofu-vegetable stir fry with rice

Friday:
Noodles with chicken and spinach

Saturday:
Orak-arik (egg,carrot and cabbage dish) with rice

Sunday (my favorite):
Popcorn, apples and cheese

Lots of love to you all!!!

Maeg

akhirnya dapat juga

2010-04-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hi. This is what our home on Vashon looks like- it is small and clean and bright. Most of these pictures were taken at dawn earlier today, so they are pretty dark and flashy, but that's okay.

We are just happy to be here.

Sohna chilling on the sheet we always spread out for her to roll around on

Krus having morning bread and coffee

crazy leather chair that is actually perfect for nursing

woodstove

non refrigerated produce

a common source of interest

kitchen table

condiments and orange

I made the morning bread in Jessika and Eyvind's enamel pot and our blue kettle Chelsea got us

we put our silverware in a basket instead of a drawer

pictures for our marriage certificate (we weren't allowed to smile and we had been on a bus overnight for 9 hours, with no food or water, smoking. And when we got to Surabaya the American Consulate was closed. So we don't look too happy...)

our view

a lovely rug

Our best friends, the washer and the dryer in our bathroom

Our closet, Krus has mad pholding skillz

Sohna's dresser

Our unmade bed

Holly and Oi and Utisah came over today too.

sohna at night

2010-03-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

She weighs 17.4 pounds.And our blissful sleep is no more. These are middle of the night photos, after an impressive diaper event during which we had to rinse her off and completely re-dress her.

2010-03-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

This is where Krus and Sohna and Holly and Oi and Utisah and I are living.

A beautiful old barn filled with old things and surrounded by relics.

Holly and Oi and Utisah are so sweet to share their space with us as we look for work and our own place to live.

goodbye california....

2010-03-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

It has been a very special, cocoon-like time. We are so grateful to my mom and uncle John who helped us come back to the states, and who helped give Sohna such a wonderful start. It was so significant to share this time with you...

and a little someone is going to miss you so very much.

BIG HUG

when your life is crazy

2010-02-21T22:22:00.000-08:00

and you have a two and a half month old baby, no money, are carrying around about 40+ pounds of extra baby weight, and moving by plane in a little over a week, what should you do?

Think about material things that you think would lead to you feeling more lovely and confident and happy (and that you have no business thinking about, especially since you are saving for many important things)...

Shameless wants:

pearl earrings with posts that don't give me a serious rash

a vintage perfume atomizer

a persian rug

baskets to store things in

different oils to use for baths, steams, and massages...namely rose, neroli, jasmine, sage, vetiver, geranium, and sandalwood

this very expensive but seemingly amazing book about al-Hallaj

a cotton nightgown that buttons down the front for nursing

and more keroncong instruments so that we can give an instructional workshop.

I feel much better now that this is off my chest. Kembali ke realitas, ayo!

fun time in bed

2010-02-16T20:19:00.001-08:00

Sohna does not really nap during the day. Maybe in 5-20 minute increments, if I am holding after she nurses.
But at night, oh fabulous night! She will go to bed around 7, 8 or 9 pm...and then stir only once to nurse, maybe around 3 or 4 am...and then go back to sleep until 7, 8, or 9 am again...
I am lucky that I have a baby who sleeps through the night. Most parents don't yet have one at this age. It is difficult to get anything done during the day, though.
It doesn't matter...what a little dreamlet I have.

happy valentine's day

2010-02-13T22:11:00.001-08:00

I love my daughter.

I love my husband.

I love my extended family.

I love music.

I love chocolate cupcakes with pomegranate seeds.

I am the One whom I love, and the One whom I love is myself.
We are two souls incarnated in one body;
if you see me, you see Him,
if you see Him, you see us.

by Mansur al-Hallaj (my favorite poet right now)

just one more post for the day

2010-02-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

I found this blurb in somebody's profile online- there is no editing to this..

About me: I am 45 yrs old, I live in Avondale, Az U.S.A a suburb of Phx. where I was born.I have 4 grown up kids 3 girls and my baby is 19 in the army and my only boy. I spend an average of about 4-6 hours a week on line. either y/a, myspace, checking my email, etc. I love deadliest catch, Metallica, and the Beatles currently I am unemployed after working at the same business for 5 &1/2 yrs and I have always (28yrs) worked in the same professions I am a cook and a resturaunt manager I have worked in about every type of food there is. and see my picture thats me and my 25 yr old boyfriend of 6 yrs we went to nascar and got to ride in a race car at P.I.R. 180 mph 4 laps on anoval track also we got to drift for 4 laps free dinner and all kinds of free nicwe gifts too! all compliments of Marlboro It was just awsome

It is amazing, this profile...

also, here is a picture of Sohna. She is two months old today and has more than doubled her birth weight.

here are some blurry photos

2010-02-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

to convey the sense of chaos all around.

we are trying to move up to Vashon Island on March 2nd, and we are going by plane, so what to ship? and what to cart ourselves?

tickets

2010-02-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

we got them.
for march 2nd.

weeeeeee...

showers and the chandelier

2010-01-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

Are our two obsessions.

Occasionally Sohna fusses until she can watch the chandelier in the dining room sway. She likes to do this in her stroller, with blankets and her pacifier. Sometimes it is the only thing she wants. Those hanging animals are music-making toys.

And I only want to take hot shower after hot shower. It's like my private time to relax. And I'm so cold that it feels good. My skin is really drying out.

I am very, very isolated here. Having a baby is so interesting and strange and also such an easy way to become ostracized.

It is almost over, though. The isolation.

lucky duck

2010-01-19T11:31:00.000-08:00

we are so all so excited for life today as we enjoy the luck of the rain...

hujan yang beruntung.

two things came in the mail yesterday....

2010-01-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

one from the government

and one from a friend, infinitely more exciting!

it is a calendar from dear Adrienne.

It is so beautiful and actually made me cry in its loveliness. I am so excited to
begin to put engagements on it...the first year of my daughter's life! I love Adrienne and her cleverness...
but today we are just being lazy

And Bon Bon came over...

we had a good holiday

2009-12-27T21:43:00.000-08:00

but I'm glad it's over. Tomorrow is Sohna's checkup at the pediatrician. I love her pediatrician. Her name is Dr. Quereshi. She is a beautiful, sweet woman- very large and festive, I think from Pakistan, with lovely light green eyes. She was wearing a bright pink jilbab and green pointed shoes. For some reason Sohna always gets beautiful muslim women with pink jilbab to look after her health (almost all of the doctors who did my prenatal care in Java fit this description).

For Christmas we all got together and took pictures of Sohna and ate lasagna. I made a vegan lasagna too, with seasoned tofu instead of cheese and it was really good, but it was too spicy and my sister couldn't eat it.

We also played music, some keroncong and langgam. Lately I have been learning to play the cak. My voice is still really damaged from all the vomiting, heartburn and asthma of pregnancy...I can't wait to start rehabilitating but now I am just focusing on nursing and sleeping.

It was very good to see my brother and meet his girlfriend, though.

I am wearing her in the sling now and feeling her breath at the base of my throat...

good things take time

2009-12-23T19:38:00.000-08:00

Things here are still strange.

She is 2 weeks old and nurses a lot.

I feel still so haggard, and like never taking a shower, so I have no good pictures of me and the baby, except this one...

But Krus is beautiful as always with her..

today she is 1 week old

2009-12-16T13:01:00.000-08:00

So we are relaxing all together.

Earlier we took a walk together (we made coffee and put it in a thermos) and picked these fall California flowers.

my daughter

2009-12-14T21:10:00.001-08:00

She is here and so perfect. Her name is Sohna Inarika Sukarwanto. She is five days old today.

due day do you day dame date

2009-12-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

I am still here, waiting- yesterday was the American due date and today is the Indonesian due date.

I have been staying busy in some ways- I made whole wheat bread yesterday. You just need whole wheat flour, dry active yeast, honey, soy milk, salt, oil and water. I can't believe how easy it is. Why does bread making seem so difficult before you do it? It is delicious and cheap and I want to make my own bread forever! We'll see when the freezer reserves of bread run out here.

But also I am allowing myself to relax- somebody yesterday told me that she did nothing but lay on the couch and drink root beer the week before she gave birth. I have been wanting root beer since then, but it is too cold...

Sometime in (early/middle late) February we want to move into the wilderness of Vashon and have a lot of time to be quiet, to be with our baby, to walk in nature, to dream in music again. It has been a very strange 4 months in America so far...a fun and necessary four months, but we both feel disconnected from reality, impatient and in a sort of limbo as we wait for the baby. It will be good to create our own space and independence and wood stove fires.

Today I oiled Krus' hair with lavender and combed it with my very old wooden comb- it was so black and shiny and long and my hands smell so sweet now.

I am having soy hot cocoa and some more homemade bread....

My body- I want to transform again. I was so thrilled to see my body change by making this baby and now I am ready to watch it change again. I dream of regular clothing. Long walks. Bending over. Being able to put my own socks on.

And of course, we dream about the baby. All the time.

I hope the next time I post a baby will be here.

dear baby

2009-11-25T23:58:00.000-08:00

We have washed all of your clothes.
We have your Ayah's legitimate immigration papers.
We have written thank you notes.
We have folded everything very sweetly.
We have massaged you from outside your home.
We have set up the rocking chair with the special handmade quilt.
We have a sling to hold you close, all of the time.
We have special organic paraben-free hypoallergenic soap and lotion for your little body.
We have many friends and family who already love you and are excited for you to be here.
We have packed four bags for the birthing center: Mom's bag, Ayah's bag, Your bag and the Food bag.
We have 27 blankets.
We have thrown hormonal fits.
We have sang many songs.
We have a lot of ideas.
We have cooked many large dinners.
We have registered and taken a tour of the birthing center.
We have changed the one cello string that was too noisy.
We have taken many trips to see the midwives.
We have addressed the birth announcement envelopes.
We have nursing bras.
We have eaten a lot of food.
We have knitted many scarves.
We have received many gifts from beautiful people.
We have learned a lot about each other as a married couple.
We have gone for many walks.
We have learned a lot about patience and privacy.
We have taken planes and asked huge favors and given up and received many things in anticipation of your coming.
We have already really loved you, since the moment you surprised us.
You can come out now, whenever you are ready.
Because we already are.

3 in the morning

2009-11-14T03:03:00.000-08:00

It is the middle of the night and the space heather has woken me up by making my nostrils dry and constricted- things are so dry down here.

I want to take this opportunity to talk about toast. There are so many wonderful combinations and configurations possible in the form of toast, I just want to share my favorites so that you may feel inspired to eat toast, and to feel good about life in general.

1. confused Beans and toast.
I don't know how the British do it, I've never had it that way before. My beans and toast consist of a can of black beans, partially drained and sauteed with half of a yellow or red onion, diced. Let the onion wilt in olive oil first, then dash in the beans, DASSSSHHHH. And then turn the heat down and add fresh ground salt, pepper, balsamic vinegar and little bit of agave nectar....maybe some oregano if you can stand it. And let it simmer for about 15 minutes. Then toast some really high quality sprouted bread, spread it with the butter/margarine of your choosing (I like Earth Balance because there aren't any hydrogenated oils). Put some of the beans on a plate or a little bowl and top your toast with it and also just eat spoonfuls of it. Pretty good! Also keeps really well in the fridge and you can reheat it on the stove easily.

2. romantic Tomato and toast.
This really should be eaten in the summer, and only with a huge, firm, organic tomato that was just picked from your friend's garden, the friend that you've always had a crush on but now you're both married, oh well, one can always fantasize. And eat one's big, sweet tomatoes somewhat longingly...
Slice a tomato width-wise into thick rounds. Toast some bread and spread with aformentioned butter/margarine of choice. Top each slice with a tomato round. Add freshly ground sea salt and black pepper (sparingly) and eat open-faced.

3. classic Peanut Butter and Jelly toast
It is simple, but so delicious, and it really makes a different if you use organic peanut butter that you ground yourself at the grocery store and fresh jam that you can buy at the famer's market or get from a friend who makes jam (or if you make your own jam!! Oh my god! That sounds so so so so so so good).

The trick is do the peanut butter first, in my opinion- a thick layer while the toast is still hot so that the peanut butter starts to melt a little bit- and THEN add the jam. I have to have this with cold soymilk.

4. little Pieces of Toast
One time, if you are having your toast with soup or whatever, try cutting it into tiny child-sized pieces. It will last longer, taste different and make you feel like a really cute 4 year old just taking a quick break from painting pebbles or making fairy boats out of walnut shells (my personal favorite).

Okay...I'm tired again

TODAY!!!

2009-11-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

I was at an appointment/class for WIC (a program which gives women, infants and children vouchers for healthy food) and the woman teaching the class said this:

" If you do bring your children to an appointment, please be sure to give them healthy, non-messy snacks. An example of an inappropriate snack for your child would be a Whopper cheeseburger. The cheese could fall out of the burger and create a mess on the floor, causing a pregnant woman to slip and loose her baby."

????????

wow

hey!

2009-11-01T22:48:00.000-08:00

Did you know some people play naked Twister? Twister, as in the game? I didn't. The phrase "naked twister" just popped into my head earlier so I googled it, and it turns out people play the game Twister, but with no clothes on! I don't quite know the specifics of the game, like the rules and what not, but I just wanted to share this with you real quick before trying to get some sleep.

Also, baby is due in 4 weeks. This is my major focus right now.

Krus and I have occasionally been toying around with strange baby songs in various mixtures of Indonesian and English and Javanese.

We were black kitty cats for Halloween. I made vegan pizza and Flannery and Ryan and Cathy came over.

2009-10-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

I just woke up and RACED to the kitchen to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and to drink soymilk. Krus is wrapped in blankets like a sweeeet hog. I want to bundle up

all things!

Sorry

2009-09-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

We've been bored with doing the daily activities and then posting them on here! We'll probably start again soon!

By the way, did you know you could get certified in drum circle facilitation?

WOW, http://drumcirclemusic.com/

daily activity #5

2009-09-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

Cleaning the Baby Stuff

We got a really good deal on baby things from craigslist. We bought a car seat, a stroller and a pack n play for $100. The car seat slips into the stroller and the pack n' play also functions as a changing table, napper and bassinet. And later we can use it for a play pen. It is pretty exciting!

Everything is in perfect condition, and the patterns are gender neutral and appealing to me and Krus, and we are so lucky to have them. We had them up all this past week. We took the stroller for a walk (with the canopy covering the seat so that you couldn't see the absence of a baby) and had the pack n play set up all week with my mom's favorite stuffed bear, Amelia, as a decoy. We even practiced swaddling.

We decided to clean the baby things with a mixture of vinegar and dish soap in very hot water.

We brought the things outside and started taking things apart.

We scrubbed the the parts inside and out. We even had to use q-tips to get into the grooves. It's amazing the crumbs and goop that can get inside of every nook and cranny.

And then we dried them in the sun.

And then the new refrigerator was delivered, and we got distracted. I think Krus kind of looks like the man who delivered it.

Krus did not agree.

We finished washing everything but forgot to take before and after photos. It looks the same, but there aren't graham cracker crumbs stuck in every crevice and nothing feels goopy.

Scoring for daily activity # 5

Maeg: I have been itching to do this all week and now, right before the baby comes we'll just have to wipe it down instead of taking everything apart and deep cleaning it. It is good to get ready. I am so so tired though! I give it a 7.

Krus: I liked this because we are preparing for my baby. I am so excited to become an Ayah! It was important to clean the items because they are second-hand. We made them like new again! I give it an 8.

Baby: Thanks Ayah and Mama.

Daily Activity #4

2009-09-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

Making Vegan Snickerdoodles

I have been craving snickerdoodles for quite some time now. My doctor advised me to avoid eating a lot of animal products during this last part of my pregnancy for specific health reasons. It really isn't a problem for me at all because I was vegan for years up until a couple of years ago. Eating vegan is, in some ways, the most comforting way to eat for me. I learned to cook and bake as a vegan, and most of the stuff I know how to make is inherently vegan. So, as Krus would say, no problem.

2 cups flour
2 tablespoons baking powder
a lot of cinnamon
a lot of nutmeg
dash of ginger powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup veg oil
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup soymilk

Mix dry ingredients. Mix wet ingredients and sugars in a seperate bowl. Combine wet and dry ingredients until just mixed. You may need to add more soymilk if the dough is too dry. Form tablespoon-sized balls and place on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes.

First, we assembled the ingredients.

Then we measured out and mixed the dry ingredients.

Look at all the cinnamon we put in! I didn't even measure out the cinnamon part.

Then the wet.

Then we combined.

We put balls of the dough on a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper.

Then we made designs with the tines of a fork, kind of like peanut butter cookies.

We also dusted the tops with a cinnamon/sugar mixture, but we forgot to take photos of that step.

We baked them at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.

Then we removed them from the oven and set them on cooling racks.

It made around 24. We ate some, but wanted to keep that part private so we didn't take any pictures. My mom and uncle John love them, which is a plus. He ate three but doesn't know that they are vegan. He would probably spit them out on the spot if he did.

Scoring for Daily Activity #4

Maeg: This activity was really fun! I was happy to have snickerdoodles. It was kind of hot today though, and I wish the activity lasted longer. But we did watch "Mathilda" the movie and do some gardening, so we didn't need an activity that lasted hours today. I give the activity an 8.

Krus: These were easy to make, if you know how to make them. The cookies were delicious. I give the activity a 6.

Baby: I LOOOOOOVED this activity and I have been begging Mom to make these forever. If I did understand systems of scoring, I would probably give this a 9.

Daily Activity # 3

2009-09-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

Going to Target and Ikea with Krus and Mom

Today we got OUT of the house! We saw real other people and what they wear and buy. We saw their children and their handbags and their cars and their facial expressions, and we heard them all talking to EACH OTHER.

We all got into the car and went on our way.

This is the shopping center where the Target is. It was exciting to see so many people bustling around with what seemed like desperate, important determination.

Krus got out and chose a cart, he calls them "little trains" in Indonesian.

Look at this big shiny ball we saw outside of Target! Krus asked me what it was for and I said, "decoration," but that didn't seem like quite the right answer.

I also am not quite sure what this little scooter thing is for- it has "assets protection" written on the side- maybe if they think you're stealing something an employee will get on it and chase after you if you run out to the parking lot.

Once inside, my mom tried on hats.

Krus liked watching her try on the hats.

We got his pants but I was too focused on helping him find them to take pictures. Then my mom picked out the special mustard that my uncle John really likes.

We went to the checkout lane.

Hurray! for finding pants and mustard.

Then we drove to Ikea.

We had to return some curtains my mom bought, so we took a number and waited for them to call it.

We still had a few numbers to go, so I went and bought one soda for all of us, because the sodas have free refills. Sorry the picture is so blurry.

These are the food options at the Ikea snack shack on the first floor.

This was the pizza they had available. I have had it before, it isn't that good.

After we returned the item, we went up the Grand Escalator.

I saw these really lovely silk flowers.

Mom and Krus had a fun time in the kitchen displays.

I really liked this bedding. I can't wait for Krus and I to have our own house again.

We also went into the children and baby section, but they didn't have anything really cute.

They did have A LOT of stuffed animals though.

We ended up buying frames for the pictures Krus drew of my mom and uncle John, but all the photos came out too blurry to post. We'll show some photos after the pictures are in the frames and hung- they're really beautiful.

Scoring for Daily Activity # 3

Maeg: I love to get out of the house so much that sometimes I want to cry. But now I'm too tired to describe my feelings about it. I give this activity a 7.

Krus: I liked this activity, but I am really tired right now. Also, money was spent which is always a drawback for me. But we saw a lot of nice things and I got some new pants. I give this activity a 6.

Baby: I was lulled to sleep all day long by Mom's steady plodding.

daily activity # 2

2009-09-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Today's Activity:

Watching "Cocoon" from Netflix

Either my mom or my uncle ordered "Cocoon" from Netflix. We have never seen it before, so we decided to watch it today, and eat popcorn.

We decided to make the popcorn first. I wanted to make yummy stove-popped popcorn with olive oil and sea salt, but we couldn't find any plain popcorn kernels and also, microwave popcorn is pretty good. Plus Krus has never had microwave popcorn before!

First he removed the plastic wrap.

Then he put it in the microwave and pressed just one button, "popcorn."

Then we selected the proper bowl for popcorn eating. There were a lot of choices.

We chose this brown one- it used to belong to my grandmother.

After the popcorn dinged, Krus poured it into the bowl!

The bowl was full of popcorn.

Then we went into the living room and I turned the television to the DVD channel.

I inserted the DVD into the player.

As he observed me setting up the DVD, Krus began to eat some of the popcorn.

There was a glare from the sun, so I closed the drapes.

Then we started the movie.

We began to eat the popcorn with enthusiasm.

So enthusiastically that I had to go get a cold drink. We paused the movie for this.

We watched the movie. We ate all the popcorn.

And then we fell asleep so there are no more photos.

Scoring for Daily Activity #2

Maeg: This was an agreeable activity. The movie was alright, pretty cute, but we both fell asleep so it wasn't that riveting. I really liked the Izze sparkling blackberry drink. The popcorn was ok. It wasn't too exciting however, and it certainly didn't improve our circulation. I give it a 6.

Krus: Ya, no problem. The movie had aliens, and I like aliens. We could eat popcorn and drink and sit close together. No problem. I give it a 6.

Baby: I liked this activity. I liked it so much that I slept throughout the entire film and stopped kicking Mom's rib cage so that she could finally catch up on all the sleep I kept her from getting last night. I still don't understand numbers, so I can't rate this activity.

daily activity #1

2009-09-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Krus and I have decided to stay with my mom and uncle until after the birth of our baby in early December for a myriad of boring reasons that I shall not burden you with. Things are lovely here but Krus and I are mostly restricted to the house- not having a good way to get around and I just being physically unable to walk long distances. We have hardly anything to do. The days usually end up in a mind-numbing combination of practicing English, cooking, knitting and watching " A Baby Story" on TLC.

Yesterday we decided we would try to do daily activities, and then rate them on level of fun.

Today's Activity:
Rosemary Infusion Hair Experiment

People say that giving your hair a rinse with rosemary infusion after washing it can add luster and shine.

We have a big rosemary bush out in our backyard so we snipped off a few sprigs and put them in a wide glass bowl.

Then we poured a whole kettle of boiling water over the rosemary.

Then we covered it with a big cloth napkin to let it steep.

We let it sit for about 20 minutes while I took a shower and combed out my hair.

Then we removed the rosemary sprigs. You see me using my hands in this shot, but after this first one I used tongs because the water was still too hot and I was burning my FINGERS.

Then we strained the infusion to get the little nibblies out.

Then we the put bowl on a towel in the living room, with small glass bowl for pouring and an extra towel nearby for drying. We had to wait a few more minutes for the infusion to cool down a bit more.

When it wasn't too hot I leaned my head over the bowl and Krus dipped my hair into the infusion and poured it over my scalp, massaging it into my head-skin (another word for scalp, haha). It felt really good.

We dried my hair (being careful not to get the table runner wet so that my mom wouldn't get mad) and then I styled it as usual, my "style as usual" being scrunching it with a bit of gel.

Then we waited for my hair to dry so we could see the "results." While waiting, we baked a batch of pumpking chocolate chip muffins, Krus played some music for the baby, and I put on lipstick and mascara.

By the time my hair was dry, Krus was doing something in the backyard, I think smoking and reading his English phrase book, so I just took a picture of myself.

I think my hair looks pretty much the same.

Scoring for Daily Activity #1

Maeg: This was fun for me because I got to get a little head massage and now I smell like rosemary. It didn't really do much for my hair but it was entertaining for over an hour and felt pretty luxurious. I rate it a 7 out of 10.

Krus: This was fine, but not a big deal for me. Her hair looked fine before. The rosemary smelled nice. I just felt normal throughout the activity. I rate it a 5 out of 10.

Baby: Meh. I'm glad mom got a spa treatment but I was much more excited about the pumpkin muffins and the song earlier. I don't understand the concept of numbers yet, so I have to refrain from giving a numerical score.

NOTE: Sorry if you have been waiting for a call from me. I don't have a phone yet and we don't have a landline here so it's difficult to make calls. Please be patient and know that we're thinking about you.

baby ticker

2009-09-01T17:16:00.001-07:00

Interested in pregnancy? Read about being

10 weeks pregnant, 20 weeks pregnant,

30 weeks pregnant and 40 weeks pregnant.

We're home and everything is okay.

2009-08-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT?!

2009-08-03T03:38:00.000-07:00

We got approved for an INTERVIEW!!! YAY! onto the last step in the process! We are so happy! I just hope it all works out in time!

God Bless America?

filled to the brim

2009-08-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

I am so full of everything, especially with the baby! It is so completely amazing and fun to be pregnant right now. I finally love eating, and the baby moves constantly. At night I am so uncomfortable that I can't fall asleep. The movements have just changed the past few days from being little fluttery burbles to some kind of hardcore martial art. It is an odd feeling when it happens, a mixture of discomfort but also total gratitude and relief and love for a healthy baby. I have gained about 13 pounds now, which is a healthy weight gain for where I am in the pregnancy, especially with all the weight I lost in the first trimester- not too much, not too little- but I feel like a giant baseball. I can't believe I'm almost 6 months along!

This is a really confusing time for us because we are in the crunch hour for Krus' visa, waiting to hear from the embassy if we get a final interview. August 14th is coming closer and closer...and still no news. Money is also pretty stressful. My mother is helping with everything- the finances, the forms, all the arrangements. I have no idea what we would do without her. If she wasn't helping me, this wouldn't be possible.

Krus has a ticket for the same flight as me on August 14th, and we can always change the date- but I just pray so hard that we don't have to be separated. If we get on that plane together I think I will cry in complete gratitude.

Of course, it will be okay if we have to be separated. We can do anything. We are the Invincible Family. It just would make everything ten times more complicated.

I cannot tell you how lucky I am to be married to a total saint of a man- so calm and sweet, totally grounded, so present, so strong- and so in love with me. I am so excited to raise a child with him. I just think about watching our child grow up, play in the water, reading, learning to talk, to walk, asking questions- this is totally the most amazing thing I've ever done, and the little being hasn't even come out into the world yet. I am so grateful that I met Krus, that he became my husband, and that I am carrying our child. What did I ever do to deserve such total bliss in this life?

I just want my husband on that plane with me, with baby, visa in hand.

Please.
Please.
Please.

change of plans!

2009-07-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

We're coming home to have the baby and live!

I'll be flying home to San Francisco, hopefully with Krus, on August 14^th at 7:30 pm. I wish we had made the decision earlier to start Krus' passport and visa process, but I didn't think it was possible to give birth in America without health insurance and just assumed the immigration process for Krus would be too difficult.

But after talking with Holly and Oi about their process, we're giving it a go. Now I've got to come home quick before my stomach is too big to fly internationally!

I am in an extremely motivated and focused state, trying to get all this paperwork together and coordinating trips to the capital. In the event that Krus' visa is not approved by the date of our flight, we will get him on a plane after me- but it would be so much easier and nicer to fly together. So please pray and think good thoughts for a smooth visa process for Krus.

Our plan right now is to stay with my mom and Uncle John for a month or so, while looking for a place to live, getting money for a down payment on a place, and starting the paperwork for my medical insurance in Washington. We are also looking into living in northern California close to my mom, but the health benefits do not seem as good, and also I think it will be good for Krus to be close to Holly and Oi and Jessika, who all speak Indonesian and have a good understanding of his country. There is already a built in community in Seattle that appreciates Indonesian and Javanese culture, and I think he would really appreciate the support. And honestly, I just love Seattle and think Krus will too- aside from the rainy season!

If I came here to learn music, it is true that I did. I learned a lot of music, and did a lot of performing and traveling around Java for different gigs, and learned a new language, and survived a lot. But I also knew from the beginning that I came here because something waited for me that would change my destiny- and I can't believe how happy and how lucky I am to have this man for a husband- so calm and centered, so patient, so wise and strong and so so so talented.

And now we're having a little baby together!

If that is not music, I'm not sure what is...

I wish I could write to you about all that I'm feeling, the magical world I'm leaving, my total joy and relief at the idea of coming home so soon, of seeing you, and all the reasons behind our decision...but the baby is kicking and there is too much to do!

See you at home!

M & K & ?

fooooooooood

2009-06-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

As my mother knows, I have a really difficult time finding food that wants to stay down here. I crave food (particularly from Seattle health food stores) that cannot be found here like mad. Before I became pregnant I always told myself that once I was pregnant I would eat only macrobiotic organic foods, do prenatal yoga everyday, not watch scary movies or negative television, and think lovely thoughts all day long, basking in aromatherapy and natural health.

Yeah right.

When you live in Indonesia, your standards and concepts of what is healthy and what is good for you will change. I think this is because of limited availability of goods and the mentality of the people here. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In the US there are almost too many choices. Before if I wanted to buy yogurt, I was busy for ten minutes in the yogurt section of Madison Market.

What yogurt should I get? Goat's milk? But do they have organic goat's milk? Nancy's cow milk yogurt is so cheap, though. Ooooh, soy vanilla looks good too! Rice milk yogurt- that looks too thin. Wow, hemp yogurt!

It can get a little over the top. But here if you find a sugary, watered-down Yoplait yogurt you feel like you've died and gone to heaven. The vice of excessiveness has been neatly trimmed away from my life. You take what you can get.

For example.

I am sick to my stomach pretty much all day long. If I eat at the wrong pace, switch into the wrong position, get up too fast or talk too rapidly or loudly, I may throw up. Anywhere. And so to settle my perpetually unsure stomach, I've gotten into the habit of drinking Sprite. A lot of Sprite. If I lived in the US right now I would be drinking natural sodas and seltzer water, but in Solo it isn't an option.

It's a funny thing about Sprite in Java. Most people here group sodas into the category of alcohol for some reason, and it is one of the things you're not supposed to eat, drink or do as a pregnant woman, like smoking or drinking in America. But there's a whole other host of things you can't do here as well when you're pregnant, things my extremely nosy neighbors have no problem calling me out on repeatedly, like:

drinking iced drinks (stiffens up your uterus)

eating ice cream (makes the baby too chubby)

using tiger balm (makes the baby too hot)

using an electric fan (too much wind will enter the baby)

bathing after three pm (makes the baby too cold)

sleeping in past six am (the baby wants to breathe the fresh morning air)

wearing breezy clothing (the baby could fall out)

reading?!? (apparently the baby will have fucked up eyes)

killing animals or bugs (shows an ingratitude to God for the new life inside of me)

I do all of these things every single day, and I really hope that the baby is going to be alright.

A couple of weeks ago I contracted dengue fever (sorry Mom, conveniently forgot to mention that in our last conversation). This is certainly an experience, being pregnant and having dengue fever in Java. But aside from the pain and inconvenience, as long as you carefully bring the fever down nothing can happen to the baby, and women who get dengue while they are pregnant give birth to healthy, normal babies. And me and the baby are all checked up and healthy. But the neighbors do not want to believe that I have dengue- they think the fever, body aches and rash I had was because of all the iced drinks and Sprite I've been having.

Anyway, earlier this morning I stumbled out of bed to buy a forbidden Sprite and some little snacks to tide me over until I have breakfast, because if I get hungry I also throw up (who could have known?). I found myself coming home with a bag of Veeto's (cheese flavored potato chips), Lodedoo's (chocolate wafers with vanilla cream filling) and my Sprite with ice.

I thought to myself “Oh my god, this is so unhealthy! My poor baby! Why don't I just buy some bananas next time and have them with tea! What is wrong with me?”

But not to worry. I threw it all up a couple of minutes ago.

At least I don't have PICA.

By the way, Krus has his own facebook page now. He's learning English and wanted to strike up conversations with my friends back home. So please search for him and make him your friend- Krusnedi Sukarwanto.

Tin Roof Rusted!

2009-06-08T04:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is M. C. O'D-W. I left the USA ten months ago, got married four months ago to a Javanese man I only knew for 6 months, had my period two days after the wedding, and after that no more periods came. My name is M. C. O'D-W and I am 3.5 months pregnant.

The first 11 weeks of my pregnancy were wretched. I was very, very sick- I couldn't keep food down for more than 30 seconds, could hardly get out of bed without seeing stars, and had frequent spotting. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I went for a check-up and the doctor put me on bed rest, gave me a protein shake and magic womb-repairing vitamins. The spotting stopped. The vomiting only happens about once or twice a day now. I've gained four pounds.

And yesterday I went for an ultrasound, only to see the most perfect being dancing inside of me like a Sufi dervish. Two arms, two legs. A round head with two eyes and a nose. And full, pursed lips- just like Krus when he was a baby. Waving around, looking for its hands. Jumping and spinning and kicking and giggling with me- a healthy, excited creature.

I'm so happy to know that I'm out of the danger zone- out of my first trimester. Women frequently miscarry in the first trimester, and I was so sick that I didn't know if we were going to make it. But we are! The doctor has given me the official thumbs up.

This was not supposed to be the time to get pregnant. I am in a foreign country, just married, and have a very limited amount of money. This is, by American standards, not very level-headed.

But my clever husband, in his constant effort to support my choices and strengthen my morale, commented that because of these reasons it is the perfect time. I am still happy, free and strong. I am still brave and adventurous. Maybe ten years from now I would have loads of money and a totally fixed life plan. Maybe I would be tired and bitter.

I am not afraid. I'm worried about things- logistics and countries and money. But I worried about those things before I carried this baby, and I will most likely worry about them forever. More than anything, I am curious. What will I learn from this little person? How will being a mother forever feel?

We have found a clean, safe, wonderful birthing home run by an esteemed husband-and-wife team, both doctors and birth specialists. Some time around December 2^nd I will be there, working really hard. And if all the visa paperwork goes as planned, in February Krus and I and Si Baby will take the flight I took last year, only in reverse and as a threesome.

I just pray every day that this baby is healthy and strong enough for the world. I know we can give it a beautiful life full of meaning and light and laughter and art, because those things abound in this house and flow like water. The same goes for nutritious food, clean clothes, safe surroundings, and books- the essentials for every little person. We've got plenty of those things over here.

I know that Krus will be the best father on the planet, patient and open and playful and protective. And I know that the baby will have people who love and adore it on both sides of the planet. And I know that we are not going to be your typical run-of-the-mill parents. We've been warning the baby about that since the first morning vomit.

So the next time you see me, you will probably see my husband and our child as well. A bit different than how I left the country. But just as a happy and excited, if not more so. In closing, I'd like to post a list of all the food that you can't get in Solo that I miss- I'm justified because I'm pregnant.

Vietnamese pho (veggie)

yogurt

organic already roasted chickens

goat cheese

quiche

udon noodles

salmon

sushi

miso soup

seaweed

mint-chocolate-chip soy ice cream

whole wheat toast with earth balance

sour cream

quesadillas

big steak

broccoli (why so difficult to get here?)

roasted corn soup

spaghetti with whole wheat pasta and Rising Moon sauce

Raviolli!!!

pie

naan

Indian food in general

Ethiopian food

oatmeal with nuts and dried fruit

cereal

tuna salad

herbal tea- nettle, dandelion, mint

my sister and mother are hysterical!

2009-06-02T02:04:00.000-07:00

this is from my mom's blog! she wrote this is honor of my sister's birthday last week. i think it is totally funny. i'm in a cafe by myself and i laughed hysterically OUT LOUD.

Flannery, at age two, saying to her one year old brother, at HER birthday party, "Here, Taylor. You open this one." Or, at three, when being asked at a dinner party by a guest, "Are you Irish?" (come on, with a name like Flannery O'Donoghue-Williams?) answering with a straight face, in a very matter-of-fact tone, "No, I have diahhrea!". Or at under five, being able to tell me, to the penny, how much change I would get back from $100 at Disneyland (as you know, mental math and I have never been the best of friends...she beat me to the answer). Or telling me that she reported on her STAR testing at school a different ethnicity each year (that particular year, as I recall, she bubbled in "Native American"). Or the time, during one of our annual camping trips at the beach, she ate a bowl of Lucky Charms, and then laughed so hard, she tossed them back up in the bushes, at which point her brother, Taylor, announced calmly, "I guess those Lucky Charms weren't so lucky". Or the time we were playing "restaurant" (I did this frequently to practice proper eating etiquette in public), and after I took everyone's "order", made the food and served it, someone mentioned paying the "bill", and Flannery said in one of her many accents,(this one was distinctly Scandinavian) and once again, completely straight-faced, "Will you be charging or will you be paying with the pigs?". Okay, so maybe these are not funny to anyone else. But they certainly were to me. Maybe you had to be there. I hope my children remember how silly we all were, so much of the time.

fluffly eye balls

2009-04-28T00:34:00.000-07:00

Hi deary-loos,

Performing sindhenan here is really hard work. What ever made me think I wanted to come here and perform all-night puppet shows in a corset, with an elaborate wig woven into my own hair aided by gallons of hair spray, sitting on a tiny plastic stool with my legs tucked under mel?

Sindhenan is starting to feel unsatisfying, and like an impossible art to decipher. It was so wonderful to sing in America, wearing comfortable black clothes and sitting on the floor cross-legged on top of a pillow.

It is wonderful here too, but different.

Do you have a refrigerator? Hot water that runs all day? A kitchen with a stove? A toilet? A television? A microwave? Normal pots and pans? A toaster? Air conditioner? A washing machine or a dryer? A shower? A heater? Internet available at your fingertips at any given moment? A sofa?

I have none of these things. I pour cold water over myself for a bath. I squat over a hole to pee. I cook on the ground with a one burner stove. I have to go far away from home to check my e-mail. I am swarmed by mosquitos. I eat sitting on the ground. I fill up buckets of water every night at 11 pm, because that is the only time the water runs in my house. I wash my clothes by hand with detergent that leaves my hands dry and cracked and hang them up to dry on racks in front of my house.

And I am one hundred times more priveleged than about half of the village I live in.

I am really, really tired. I am tired of seeing poverty. I am tired to driving on the back of a motorbike through hot, crowded filthy streets. I am tired of eating cold food that has been sitting out all day. I am tired of the smells of mold, of feces, of dirt. I am tired of always being itchy. I am tired of being stared at. I am tired of people assuming that I'm rich and paying me half what they pay other sindhen, even though I sang the most pieces during the entertainment hour and spoke the most with the puppet master.

I am tired of learning. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of everyone always wanting to talk to me and know my business. I am tired of the assumptions. I am tired of speaking a language that is not my own. I am tired of my hair falling out. I am tired of the neighbors asking if I have already cooked for my husband and chiding me if I wake up past 6 am, even though Krus is the most egalitarian man on the planet and doesn't want me to cook or clean for him- no, it is the village women here who want to impose sexist forms of traditionalism on me. I am tired of Javanese people goading me to become more Javanese.

I am not Javanese. I will never be Javanese. I do not want to be Javanese.

Right now that only thing I am appreciating about my living here is my perfect husband, who lights up my heart and can make me laugh even through crying.

I want to come home. I want to hug people who already know my business and don't find my skin, my heaviness, my big nose interesting. I want to be picked up at the airport by my mom and my uncle John. I want them to hug me and Krus. And then I want to drive home to her place in an air conditioned car. I want to put our bags down. Peel my clothes off and step into a hot shower- use a lot of soap and shave my legs. I want to slide into a big, soft t-shirt that smells of my mothers detergent. I want to sit down at the table and have a cheese and pickle sandwhich on sourdough bread with soy milk. And then I want to lay down on the couch and fall asleep while Krus smokes with my uncle.

That is all I want.

there is no place like home

2009-03-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

Getting married in Java is like stepping into a beautiful circus where everything is confusing but breathtakingly awesome. Now that we are settled into our new house by the river, performing again and experiencing the normal day-to-day bustle, it is hard to believe that just a month ago I was in Crazy Town.

Originally Krus and I wanted to get married in the Office of Religion, with just his mother and two witnesses. After the arduous process of obtaining freedom to marry in Indonesia, we we were pleased to have a simple, quiet ceremony. And then Krus' mother mentioned that she'd like to see her last unwed child married at home, with friends and family. Ikut saja (Indonesian for “just follow/go along with it”)!

Getting married at home turned out to be a major process. Instead of the traditional Javanese wedding, Krus wanted to do something unique and special, because as he says, “we're artists!” So we decided to turn the living room into a kind of forest. We strung thousands of leaves across the ceiling, pasted leaves on the walls. It took many days and buckets of wet leaves and sewing thread.

And then there was the problem of the clothing, which is a serious ordeal here. Krus wanted to wear brown. I had a kebaya (a traditional Javanese lacy top with a corset underneath) made by a tailor and took it Krus' mother. She then took it to find a tradtional matching jacket for Krus. The next day came a bag full of ORANGE clothing. Orange shoes for me and Krus. An orange jacket for him that was studded with sequins. Totally over the top! We hated it but again, ikut saja.

Two days before the wedding the entire neighborhood showed up to help. People I have never met before came to put up bamboo fencing, to clean and cook, to donate food. The house and surrounding areas were buzzing with men climbing ladders and roping bamboo with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, women chopping and peeling mountains of vegetables. In America if you wanted to get married like this, you would probably have to pay each and every person. But here people help because they are present in the moment, because they are good hearted, and because they like you. Here people help you for free.

The night before the wedding Krus and I were totally exhausted from stringing leaves, receiving guests who wanted to give us their blessings, and thinking too much. Nine o'clock rolled around and Kroncong Iblis (the band Krus and I perform with) showed up, ready to help and generally have a little party. We relaxed with them for a bit while they figured out how they wanted to help. They decided they wanted to put up FAKE PAPER ROCKS in the living room. When they started tearing up brown paper and painting it gray and black, I started sniffling. Please don't turn my pretty forest fairyland into a Jurassic Park Fun House for kiddies.

I felt too shy to say anything. I told Krus I hated it but he didn't know what to do either. I watched in horror as ripped crumpled paper with sticky gray paint appeared on the walls. The process continued long into the night. Finally couldn't watch anymore. I washed my face and went to bed, listening to the unusual thunder storm outside. The rain was pounding the roof. I was so mad about the rocks that I cried myself to sleep, literally sobbing. In reality it probably wasn't all about the paper rocks but about pre-wedding nerves, stress and most of all, missing my family. I always imagined that I would get married with my mother at my side. I think that was the hardest thing of all. But that night I could only think of the cheesy paper rocks, dripping with acrylic paint.

When I woke up my eyes were puffy and swollen. Krus was shaving in the doorway, catching the silver morning light. I padded out to the living room, prepared to rip the rocks from the wall. But the room was transformed into something magical, tropical. The cheesy paper rocks had turned into twisting tree trunks, mossy boulders. It was completely lovely.

Krus and I bathed and gathered rose and jasmine flowers. We walked to the graves of his father and brother, to ask for their blessing, scattering the petals and saying prayers. When Krus, who is so shy and relaxed, prays it beautiful to watch. His face becomes serene but strong, his eyelids flutter. When the graves were covered in pink and white flowers, we walked home and that was when the craziness began.

The sun was high in the sky, everything bright and clean from the rainstorm the night before. The neighborhood was crackling with electricity. Krus and I were whisked apart. I sat down before the makeup artist, the girlfriend of one of my bandmates, and proceeded to receive piles of makeup. I'm sure I had about a pound of white grease on my face. False eyelashes. Little shiny bits of plastic glued to my eyelids. Fire red lipstick applied with a palette knife. Such is Tradisi Jawa. My hair was rolled into a big puff in front- and in back, a huge ball of fake hair was attached to my head with pins the size of 12-inch rulers. Rachel, my friend from England, watched calmly, fanned my face when I wanted to cry and lit my cigarettes. Krus had to wear makeup as well- to see my love with eyeshadow and “neutral pink” lipstick was a sight to behold.

After being shoved into the corset and wrapped in yards of batik (with maybe fifteen women watching and prodding) five spring loaded hair ornaments were wedged into my scalp like cartoon sun rays. I was draped with heavy strings of young jasmine buds. I felt like I was on drugs. Krus looked confused as his waist was wrapped with stiff cloth, a wooden sword shoved down the back of his skirt. Before I knew it, we were being whisked off to the forest room.

Maybe one hundred people had gathered in the front yard, the living room too small for everybody to watch up close. We sat down on the floor, our legs tucked under us, and the ceremony began. Around us were Javanese family and friends, and friends from the west too- England, France, Germany. I felt so grateful to have a little cultural agency.

The ceremony included a lot of Arabic prayers and Indonesian mumble jumble- the man who married us spoke so quickly that I had to listen intently to understand what he was saying. We exchanged simple gold rings. Krus gave me two wedding presents in the ceremony- fifty thousand five hundred fifty five Rupiah ( the rough equivalent of five American dollars), and my favorite- two snow white bunnies, a sentiment from our first days of dating, when he loved listening to me sing a Javanese song about a lost bunny. I kissed the hands of my husband and my sweet mother-in-law, who cried into a handkerchief.

After the ceremony, we stood and took what felt like hundreds of picture with friends and family in the tropical forest with the paper rocks. We stepped outside where our kroncong group was already playing. Plates of beautiful food were being handed out- sweet spicy beef, tiny pickled carrots and cucumbers, yellow saffron rice. Coconut agar-agar cakes. And of course, sweet tea. We ate for the first time that day and then played music together- my friend Sean from America danced to the delight of my Javanese family. I sang Bengawan Solo.

Finally people drifted home. Krus and I were released from our tight clothes and smoked in a big back room with our friends from the west, like a kind of debriefing. That half hour brought me comfort, speaking in English with people who understand my culture, who support my bravery in getting married to a man far away from home. The last to go home was Rachel, who was the also the first to arrive. I watched my friend who brought so much clarity to the day drive away on her motorbike. I looked at my new husband, with his brown skin, dark hair and eyes so black they shine silver. He has different flesh, a different upbringing, a different culture. We come from such distant places, but without him there can be no place like home.

Pictures can be found here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/maegodw

Getting Married!!!

2009-02-05T04:10:00.000-08:00

How are you? I miss you all so very much. Things in Solo are swimming along in such a lovely way. I've been going to tembang classes at ISI Surakarta, having private lessons with Nyi Supadmi, attending various rehearsals around Solo, and performing a lot of karawitan and kroncong.

Here it is actually quite cold. The rains are heavy and tend to last quite a long time. At first it was a relief from the heat, but now I have a regular Seattle cold with sniffles and a red nose. It takes a really long time for clothes to dry during the rainy season.

I'm sorry if my correspondence has been irregular and infrequent- I go to e-mail maybe once a month if that, and I am so overwhelmed with e-mails that in two or three hours I have barely put a dent into my inbox. I really would like to go to internet more often, and apologize if you have felt neglected or forgotten. That is certainly not the case!

I know a rumor has been going around that I'm getting married, and I heard that there were a few people worried about me.

I am getting married, but you needn't worry because I'm getting married to a wonderful person who is intelligent, kind and responsible.

His name is Krus. He plays cello in the kroncong group I sing with and in other various groups around Solo. I've known him for about 6 months now and often spend time at his family's home. He is a calm and talented man with an enormous heart. Above is a picture of us (please ignore the beer and cigarettes, not regular habits I assure you).

We are getting married on Thursday, February 19^th at 11 am, in his family's house near Pasar Kliwon. After getting married we are renting a lovely artist-loft type space together near the Kraton, with plans to return to America together, hopefully within the year. I'm so excited about my future with this person, which I know will include a lot of music, travel, art and family!

It may seem like a quick decision to get married now, and I suppose it is. The fact that it is a quick decision does not by default make it a wrong decision. This decision feels right with every part of me- my mind, my heart and my body are for the first time perfectly aligned with this man, and I hope that you will take the opportunity to support me in my happiness- although that is entirely up to you.

Anyway, from the land of sindhenan and smelly rivers, caged birds and wild chickens, dangdhut and jilbab, I give you all my love and hope you are well and safe and happy, just like me!

lama enggak kelihatan

2008-12-01T21:21:00.000-08:00

Hello! Long time no internet. I'm sorry if you wrote me a month or so ago and still have not gotten a response. I have been extremely busy learning and performing and seeing a man and being sick.

So that is basically what's new. About a month ago I would go to classes every day, and then maybe have a lesson, and then go to a rehearsal, and then watch a wayang, and then wake up to perform at a wedding. Then my poor body crashed and I have been sick with various things for three weeks and loosing a lot of hair.

There are good things and bad things about being sick in this culture. The good things are that everybody helps you and watches over you, and you are never alone. The bad things are that everybody helps you and watches over you, and you are never alone. Understand?

I recently decided to stop studying rebab and gender and kendhang because I don't have time to become good at them, and they distract me from sindhenan and stress me out.

I had an extremely formal performance at the Kraton the other night that stressed me out so badly that when I came home and took the huge heavy sanggul off my head fistfuls of hair came off with it...

I am dating the most beautiful human being ever created right now...his name is Krus. He plays the cello in the kroncong group I sing with. He is calm, kind, intelligent, talented, sweet and considerate and every day I am surprised by how wonderful he is. He doesn't want anything from me- not sex or money- just to spend time with me. We are both taking small careful steps with each other...

I quit smoking!

What else?

Did my life in America ever really happen? I am always afraid of forgetting who I am. When I try to picture my life in Seattle I cannot find how the pieces fit together. I can only catch glimpses of myself from that time. I keep asking myself, what stays the same inside of you wherever you go? What is firm and unchanging in the core of me? Am I just water, fitting inside any container provided, twisting at every bend? I often feel I am grabbing at these things blindly, desperately.

Sometimes I feel I am only loosing things here, shedding everything to see what is left at the fiery center.

Every day I loose 5 pounds from my body, 5 fistfuls of hair, 5 ideas previously held, forget 5 negative experiences, forgive 5 people...

goodbye for now dearest ones...

you can never go back

2008-10-30T02:27:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of months I have done a lot of thinking about life and Java and America, and what my future is going to look like. Recently I met a wonderful pesindhen (mbak ______) from the West who came to Bu Padmi's house. She lives in Solo, has a Javanese husband and an adorable baby and works as a pesindhen living comfortably.

I spoke to her about what it was like living here as somebody from the West, and she had a lot to say- all positive things. But then she looked at me very seriously and said, "once you live here for a while something inside of you changes and you can no longer relate to your former life in the West. The people there are living in a different world. If you stay here long enough, you can never go back."

She left and I thought about her and her life and my life and all the things she said. I started to think about how nice to it would be to become a Javanese pesindhen and have a husband and a baby and live in Solo forever. Then I remembered how sweaty she looked, with what I thought was black makeup smeared all underneath her eyes. I wondered if I would ever get that sweaty.

Later Bu Padmi came into the kitchen. "Poor mbak ______. Her husband often beats her so hard she can't move for days."

I feel so mad I can hardly breathe...

desa love

2008-10-21T03:50:00.001-07:00

10-12-08

Today I think I must have visited the most beautiful place in the world.

Kroncong Iblis had a performance in a village outside of Sragen, a small neighboring city to Solo. The performance was a benefit concert for an organic rice farm, one of the only ones currently in Central Java. At 9 am we all piled into this amazingly rickety old bus with no floor and sped away. The drive was amazing- enormous banyan trees, rivers, goats, gigantic herds of ducks, even a little bunny family! And I taught the men to sing "Red River Valley."

Terus, we arrived in the village, which was beautiful until we met the guests at the benefit concert who were some kind of important political youth from Sragen- maybe the sons and daughters of the town government? They wanted me to sit with them on these plush chairs, take inordinate amounts of photos with them (they specified "full body"- this term is the same in Indonesian for future reference), and answer completely ridiculous, inane questions that became increasingly inappropriate- "Do you like the men of Indonesia?" I felt so relieved when finally my kroncong friends intervened.

After this little meeting, everybody hopped on motorbikes down to the rice field. We all took our shoes off and padded out to the middle of the sweet golden green rice. There an ancient man muttered special incantations while cutting the rice and weaving the stalks into beautiful little bundles with flowers. The wind was blowing and the feeling was so good. But then they wanted me to take pictures with the farming women who obviously were working very, very hard. They wanted me to take one of their hats and wear it, and then pretend to be working, which I wouldn't do. I tried to be as polite as possible and still maintain my own boundaries, which so far has been the biggest struggle for me here. I wonder what the farming women thought of me?

We came back to the farmer's house to eat fried fish with organic rice, sambal and cucumbers and steamed bananas and boiled chicken. We all drank sweet tea and then there was a beautiful sing-a-long after I sang a few things. When I perform here it is a double-edged sword. The people are so appreciative and so happy to hear me sing, but they get RIGHT in my face with cameras and cell phones- and if you know me then you know that I hate having my photo taken like that when I'm singing, or anytime really.

I feel when I sing for them, it should be enough- my voice is my gift to them at that moment. But my body and my being I want to retain for myself. I don't want them to show a video of me singing on their cell phone to their friends later and say, "look at this white person I saw earlier!" I don't want it to be about that. I want to shake somebody and say"don't you understand what this music means to me? Put away your god damned camera and listen." But once someone starts singing aloud to someone else, they don't have control over how the other person listens or how they experience it. It is a major lesson to learn, something both delicate and huge.

The most beautiful part of today happened with the "young nobility of Sragen" left the village, and the kroncong men and I were left alone with the farmer and his family and the children of the village. As the sun went down, we walked along the river to find mangoes and little tart berries that I don't know the name of. Everybody compared handstands. I carted a 9 month old boy on my hip who twisted his fingers in my hair. My feet became filthy. I am now best friends with a goat. I heard 12 children sing an asmarandana in unison. I helped an 83 year old woman make dinner. And then we drove home again in the pouring rain, and because there is no real floor in the bus my entire bottom half got soaking wet.

After a long day, there is nothing like coming home, making cheap noodles and ginger tea and writing on your laptop- whether in Solo or Seattle.

kalau kamu mau baik, harus jelek dulu

2008-10-05T21:32:00.001-07:00

10-05-08

This is going to be kind of a lame post because I don't have much time

but...

I want to stay in contact with friends and family more- I was able to talk to Adrienne and Paris on g-mail chat a few days ago and it immensely improved my mood and heart. The first few minutes were hard because I couldn't stop crying, but once I got over that I was in total bliss. Plus I found a place that has wireless in Solo!! So soon we can start making skype webcam appointments.

The past few days have been a total whirlwind. I went to Semarang for a performance with Kroncong Iblis by economy class train. It was so beautiful to be with these nine amazingly wonderful musicians lugging an upright bass, a cello, various guitar-type things and other paraphernalia (all magically beaten-up and without cases, mind you). We basically played music the whole way there- in the station and on the train. It was total dirty, sweaty, sweet smoky heaven.

When we got to Semarang we went straight to the church to rehearse (we were there for a Christian wedding) and I learned a bunch of Christian hymns in Indonesian, which was a blast. After that we all went to bed, and I got to sleep with the bride to be because it wouldn't be suitable for me to sleep in the same room with the men!

The next morning up at five to rehearse again, then a lot of singing in the church, and straight to the restaurant to play for the reception. I got to keep a little tree in a pot. I love the children of Java, who give me extra attention because I'm white- I don't mind it from them somehow. Sometimes I hate the attention when it comes from adults, but when it comes from a child I just want to hold them and forever play games.

After the reception it was straight to the station and back on the economy train again. There was a shortage of seats so we all kind of slept and played music in a filthy heap of humans and trash and instruments. When I got home to Solo I mandied, made some indomie and ginger tea and went straight to bed...

to wake up for another performance for a wedding in Solo this morning! This one was a traditional Javanese Muslim wedding, which was extremely intense. I don't now how I could stand posing for so many pictures and shaking so many hands. But the people were so beautiful and fancy and gracious and poised- there is nothing like it anywhere else in the world, I am sure.

So now I am finally back at home, writing this before going to the wireless cafe. There hasn't been any time to practice sindhenan the past two days. Tonight I am meeting a friend for coffee mix drinks. I have quit smoking as of today. I really can't do it, it's terrible for me and I've got to stop. I would never smoke in America, but Solo is nothing like America. It is like it's own special castle, complete with garden and moat.

Sampai nanti!

bengawan solo, riwayatmu iniiiiiiiii........

2008-10-01T21:33:00.001-07:00

9-21-08

Today my grandmother and brother were born. At least, when I am writing this on my laptop it is their birthday. It will most likely be days before I actually get myself to an internet cafe and post this in my journal, and respond to the enormous amount of beautiful long e-mails from people I love more than myself. I wish I could have both my brother and grandmother in a room together and give them a honey cake I made, flowers I picked, sing a song.

I must first apologize for being so distant. I thought I would love to do e-mail, but here, something is different. I think of my friends and family so very often, but it feels overwhelming to try to explain to everybody what it is like here.

I can only think in similes- here it is like the moon is a heavy green golden melon, wanting so badly to drop. It is like thousands of spiders crawling all over you because they want to tickle you. It is like holding hands with your 5 year old self and your 97 year old self simultaneously. It is like having a bee with a beautiful singing voice in your ear.

I will just lay down some facts now.

I am studying sindhenan with Nyi Supadmi and living in her house near ISI (the place where I study gamelan). I learned about Bu Padmi through Jessika, who studied with her some years ago. I went to her house to deliver a special gift from Jessika and eventually took a lesson with her, and then she invited me to live with her. I paid for a year outright, which cost, in American dollars, roughly $150. My room is on the top floor, small and blue. I live with two other Javanese women, also studying sindhenan with Bu Padmi.

This neighborhood is very quiet and friendly and nosy and Muslim and green. Down the street there is a field where I burned a candle for my Aunt Regina. There is a beautiful balcony where I do my laundry and eat mangoes and papayas and look down at the chickens, which are taller here somehow, with more magnificent plumage.

It is wonderful to live Bu Padmi because if I practice when she is up and about, she helps me. And she sings often. And Asih and Dari, the other students, sing often. And I sing often. It is basically non-stop sindhenan around here.

Right now it is Ramadan, and many places are not open for eating in my area during the day. So I am kind of inadvertently fasting. I am not really that hungry here, it is strange. Sometimes I have a bit of fruit throughout the day, and then at night I am usually at some rehearsal or gathering, and eat whatever is there- or I have rice with vegetables, tempeh and tofu. Or chicken satay with hot sweet tea. My favorite food is grilled catfish with a lot of sambal.

The other thing: I am in many classes right now. Every day at ISI there is a tembang (song) class of some kind, and I am taking classes in gender, rebab and kendhang. I'm also taking Indonesian lessons. My brain is in extreme overdrive all of the time. I am dreaming in Indonesian. I am breathing sindhenan. It is so much. How am I still alive? If I were in America I would be miserable in this amount of stimuli. But here I am something totally different, not happy, not sad- but not numb. I feel like I am lazily on fire. Does that make sense?

The other major heap on my plate is kroncong. Kroncong is another Indonesian genre of music, different from sindhenan. I don't really feel like explaining it right now, is that OK? If you want you can wikipedia it. So I have been singing a lot with this group called Kroncong Iblis, and going to a lot of rehearsals (they also do a lot of a beautiful experimental music).

And there was a man, but not anymore. Let's call him Victory. I met Victory at a bizarre gig at a military base maybe my 3^rd or 4^th night in Solo. He was about to perform, and was wearing a terrible outfit and had the most bizarre, mullet-like hair style. But I was very drawn to him, to his eyes so big and deep. We did some musical things together and then one night he took me to eat grilled fish on the back of his motorbike, and then to his wonderful strange house, filled with odd corners and old Javanese dance masks. We kissed for a long time, and he wanted much more than I did. He was disappointed and feel asleep, but I could not because he was so beautiful. In the morning he drove me back to my place, and my period started 11 days early, to meet the enormous, hibiscus-colored full moon on time.

Why do we like lame people? Basically he only wanted one thing and I didn't give it to him, about which I'm glad. But my mind doesn't understand why I can't shake this man so undeserving of me. I guess occasionally we can't choose how certain events play out in our lives, we can only observe ourselves and have compassion. But I am aware of my own power. So I am doing my best to forget him.

I get around town on a really cute red bicycle that I bought for $47. And I miss you so much, there are no words.

confused

2008-09-07T06:58:00.000-07:00

I have so many dear e-mails to which I would like to reply- it has been ten days since I checked my e-mail, and I have so much news. But I just got a heart-wrenching e-mail from my Mom. My favorite Aunt Regina has died.
I was so close to her as a child and as a teen. She was very, very kind to me. A singer, very artistic and sweet and always seemed so cool to me. She was the first person to show me how to put on lipstick and what to do with my hands when I sing. I would stay at her really cool house in North Hollywood and watch her children in exchange for eyebrow waxes and midnight snacks of female chocolate.
I am so devastated so far away.

currently

2008-08-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about Holly and Oi's perfect baby, and about trying not to smoke these delicious Javanese cigarettes (I can't believe I am doing it TOO).
This music fits into many places in my soul, into spaces that I didn't know where there. Have been singing a lot in different rehearsals.
I am so full and so empty all at once.
That is all for today, temanku.

belum siap untuk pentas

2008-08-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

Everything is very nice here, but odd. So far life here is like being on a strange vacation, where you relax and enjoy things but also work harder than you ever have before.
Mostly I am just trying to figure out where to live, who to study sindhenan with, how not to spend money, where the next latihan is, how to keep from scratching my mosquito bites, and wandering around in wonder.

I am recovering from a really yucky sickness that gave me an odd high fever with a lot of sweating and sneezing. I stayed in my room in front of the fan, drank lukewarm water laced with grapefruitseed extract, and read a book about feminism in the 1930's. Jesse was right, it is nice to read when you're sick in Solo.

I have been walking around to different places, meeting other westerners studying gamelan who only seem to gossip and talk about logistics. For some reason unknown to me, we do not talk about matters of the heart or spirit- no other westerner will mention to me their past loves, or their families, or their feelings- we mostly just talk about who is studying with which teacher and how they like their house. I don't know what I would do without Rachel, who is completely fluent in Indonesian and extremely helpful to me.

Hardly anybody hugs here, and that is so very difficult for me. My first hug in a week came from a Javanese friend, not a western friend. I feel too enthusiastic for these expats, too sensitive and too full of love. I want to be tough and arrogant and cool-hearted, but that is simply not me. I am doing a good job of pretending, but it wears, yes?

I was invited to study kroncong with this famous singer, Ibu Waldjinah. My friend Mas Dwi took me to her house, which is enormous and fancy. We sat together and I spoke my shitty Indonesiann and she was patient in her sarong Hawaiin shirt combination with enormous earrings and lipstick so thick she must have applied it with a knife.

Then she invited Mas Dwi and I to lunch with her friend from Yogya. We were driven to this incredible restaurant- I have never even been to one as fancy as this in America- and let into a private room with a large round table, at which were seated about 10 or 12 extremely well dressed Javanese men.

From the conversation I gathered that this was a meeting of tax officials. And Bu Waldjinah had brought me along as her new student. So for the next two hours we ate duck stuffed with chicken and fish stuffed with tofu while they hurled questions at me. Are you married? Why not? Why do you like Indonesian music?

All this was done out of goodwill, however. Finally I sang for them and the head tax official got on his handphone straight away, talking quickly and excitedly in Javanese. He put the phone down, and said to me in English, "Mbak Maeg, I have booked a television show for you in Yogya next week. Please call me on Monday and my car will come collect you."
When I came home Rachel taught me how to say "I am not ready for a performance."
"Belum siap untuk pentas."

Which is entirely true, and they are not wanting me to perform because I am good at sindhenan- after a week of hearing a handful of other pesindhen, it is very clear to me that I am not yet good at sindhenan, and I am happy that I am not- I want to learn and work hard and listen carefully. And so I am confused as to why they want me to perform, and why people are so enthusiastic. It seems impure to me, and I feel embarassed and like a freak.

But the worst was the next night, when Bu Waldjinah invited me to one of her performances. She failed to mention to me that her performance was being recorded live, in a television studio, and that she would pull me up from the audience and interview me in English in front of the camera, beg me to sing Klinci Ucul, and push me in line with all these other singers performing the Indonesian national anthem, so I just smiled and swayed like a confused bird.

All of this embarasses me because the spirit in which I learned the music was so different than the spirit in which I was hearing it at the moment.
I learned this music sitting on the floor with my dear teacher and good friend, in a way that felt to me like two private people in a magic, secret world where every tiny thing is sacred and means something. And here, when I sing this music, it is so different. Why do they like it so much? Why are they so forward and excited by any small thing I do? It makes me feel cheap.

But I cannot pass judgements. I don't know this culture. I don't presume to know what is cheap and what is real to them. I only know that I will definitley not be studying kroncong or sindhenan with Bu Waldjinah, and now I have to find a polite, indirect-Javanese way of saying so.

Over and out.

at last

2008-08-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

The journey from Seattle to Solo was much harder than I imagined. The flights and layovers from Seattle to Taipei to Jakarta were completely fine. When I arrived in Jakarta however, all the flights to Solo were sold out because of the Indepence Day weekend. Every single person I ever spoke to told me that I definitely did not need to book my flight in advance- but maybe they weren't thinking about the exodus that occurs during holidays here.
I had to walk and shuttle bus all over the airport to figure out that every single airline was sold out (the airport was big, and with a years worth of bags in the sweltering heat, this was no small feat). All of the Indonesian that I learned was not seeming to work. The people were friendly but extremely vague and confusing. Finally I figured out that I could take a bus to the train station- I knew that there were evening trains that went to Solo.
The bus took forever in the terrible traffic and I was crammed with all of my stuff in the back. Finally I arrived at the train station. I got in an enormous line to buy a ticket. Nobody seemed to know if there were any tickets left. I stood for what seemed for ages until they made an announcement that all the tickets had been bought. A woman in front of me grabbed my hand and said, "maybe still can buy."
She dragged up so many stairs until we came to a small room. Inside were five men in uniforms smoking. We paid for tickets that are apparently "illegal" in Jakarta, but the train system still allows them because they want the money. The tickets were for the floor of the train. Yippee.
I then had two hours in the Jakarta train station to wait. Fif, the woman who helped me to buy the ticket told me where I could mandi.
Mandi is the way many people bathe in Java. There is a waist high tank of water and a plastic dipper. You hang all your clothes on a hook and then sluice yourself with water and commence with soaping, shaving, etcetera.
Well, at the train station there are mandi, mostly for muslims to wash themselves before praying. I HAD to rinse off. I was filfthy from 23 hours of travel, lugging, walking and fretting. The evening prayer was about the commence and the mandi stalls were full of muslimahs wanting to wash. As I waited in line, the prayer started over the loudspeakers. It was amazing to be able to follow along so far from home, to say the words silently in my head with them. When al-Fatiha finished, the entired train station joined together-"Amin," a loud, harmonious, beautiful clamor so sweet that I could help but cry.
On the train, I couldn't believe I had set myself up form 9 hours on this grimy, sticky floor, overnight at that.
I was so exhausted. Fif was was a great help to me. She told me when to sleep, gave me a blanket and a roll with some creamy chocolate inside.
Finally, I arrived at the Solo train station. It was dawn-so heavenly cool with the most amazing light and such a special dewey moisture, like liquid gold and silver. It is held by the air and touches your face and hands like beautiful magic.
I got a becak and he drove me through Solo to the Cakra Homestay. I bathed again and ate some rice crackers, but I couldn't sleep. I was too exhilirated from what happened, from what is about to happen.

So here I am in Solo. It is perfect here. The nature, the people, the air, the building, but oh, the music. My heart is dying in all the beauty of this music. I have been to a few rehearsals at the Mangkunegaran (an amazing pendhopo where gamelan and dance is performed/rehearsed). The birds fly in and out the the stucture, nesting in the elaborate chandeliers. Their shadows look like ghosts on the marble floor.

Last night I went to a kroncong show. I think I will study kroncong here with a new friend, Jaya. Jaya has the most amazing voice and is also a wonderful dancer. I met a funny man who has a crush on me at the show last night, but I gave him my phone number because I didn't know how to say no. I am going to have to learn to be a bit more rude. But now I will share some of the text messages that I have recieved from him this morning with you:

08:46 am:
Helo...my friend, Miss Maeg. Last night you're look nicely. I like fellowship. I hope we like to be continuous our conect for along? Thank's.
09:21 am:
I'm so interested you're like studied pesinden Java. A little attention for Western to know the eastern cultural especialy Pesinden Java. Oh...So surprises!
09:27 am:
What do I can help You in an activity? I know you have high talent, sense of belonging and human responsibility. I'm sure you will be succes. I Like Yo...
09:39 am:
More Friends More Prospect. Healthy, Sweet Smile and Good Atitute is The Big Wealty of Human Life. @?@

And so I will leave you with that.

2.

cats are crunching

2008-08-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

A little black kitten and a little gray tabby are munching away on dry food in the kitchen. I just made rice noodles with carrots and tofu.

This is a picture my friend Emily took of Adrienne and I on a winter stroll during a visit of hers to Seattle almost two years ago. We were about to start moving all of my shit from Isaac's basement into the group house on Beacon Hill. None of us have cars, so we all carried bags and boxes and even two small pieces of furniture on the bus. I have loyal friends,

Paris and Paurl have a magic house in Columbia City. I think when I come back from Java I will move to the area- it's cheap and cute and rundown and anonymous, and I love all of those things. House sitting is fun because you get all of the space without having to pay for it.

I miss my Paris. She has been on tour for far too long. The next time I see her will be in Indonesia next year, when she and Paurl come to get married and Sam and Beth come along and we all make music.

My visa for Java came in the mail today. I am so, so grateful- I was worried. Why do bureaucratic matters always seem so disorganized?

Having a break from music has been so good for me. I have had so many lovely walks and meals with friends lately- Sam and Adrienne and Michelle and Jesse and Rowan and Holly and Oi and Nicole and Renee. Holly is about to have her baby and Jessika will come back to town soon. I think now my life is not just about practicing and running all over and working and worrying and rehearsing and not eating regularly and getting sick and performing...

now everything is music...

Just a few more days and then I'm off.

gifts

2008-08-03T22:02:00.001-07:00

Today I had ice cream with dear Adrienne and we played word games all over Seattle. Then I got on the bus to retire for the evening and an ENORMOUS man sat right next to me. He looked at me and smiled so wide that his face looked like the moon.

After a lot of grinning and a lot of coughing, he touched his heart and said, "I heard you sing last year and you made me feel again. I want to give you something back." Then he handed me the frisbee that you see above.

I thanked him and he got off the bus.

city of fallen angels

2008-07-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my trip to southern California, and I must say I am pleasantly surprised at what a lovely time I had.
I mostly grew up in a suburb of LA County, with fair little stints in Pasadena and north Hollywood. I had a terrible time in high school- I spent much of my time being disgusted by my fellow inhabitants and feeling misunderstood. I moved to northern California and discovered health food and Ani DiFranco (how cute!!) and all my LA wounds seemed to heal up. I felt bit of residual disdain and despair for the souls of the lower half of the Golden State, but when I completely relocated to Seattle most of that drifted away. I thought of LA County as a a hopeless wasteland, not really worth a visit or a thought.
But last week I went to visit dear friend Emily Hobson. I've know Emily since the 4th grade, and we've seen each other through many phases and looks and temperaments. Her family feels much like my own, and I stayed in the guest bedroom for a spell.
While I was there we visited old haunts and new shopping centers and streets and parks and houses and I was struck by the neutrality of it all. These places are not poisonous pits of the past, they are just places. They hold no more power than any other place. In fact, this place created much of my mental landscape and creative output, so it cannot be entirely bad at all.
I also had the privilege of seeing Emily's talented younger sister Lennon dance at a performance in downtown Glendale, and Gloria and Em and I walked around artist live/work spaces for a bit- I realized that LA actually has its own beauty and its own artistic power that I missed out on- probably because of my own limited immaturity at the time.
All of my friends are now adult, vibrant artists just like me, seeking out what they can where they are. Music, art must be everywhere, in every city if you care to look for it, or to open your eyes enough. Perhaps I'm not done with this city after all.
Leaving for Java in about two weeks! So much to do.

yesterday

2008-07-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

I had my bottom two wisdom teeth taken out and now my face is twice its size. I feel pretty good. I'm in San Jose with my family. I saw my darling grandparents in Reno earlier this week.

I feel miserable and high at the same time.

these are some random statements

I love soup so very much- I roasted many organic vegetables and then I pureed them. Then I heated it up, and poured it in a bowl with plain goat's milk yogurt

Tylenol with codeine makes me feel dead inside- when the Novocaine wore off I felt an intense urge to cry about everything that has happened to me in the past two years- and I was alone, so I just sat on the bed and moaned, it was wonderful.

tomorrow I am finally getting a haircut

on thursday I fly to LA

I have only one heart

most of my peers are all having babies and getting engaged,
or drinking at bars and traveling for fun

I still just have this one heart

The root of the matter lies in many different places, you cannot name the streets there
the roots crawl all over the underground and push up through the dirt
and then they twine around foundations and wheels and feet, also hands for people who have fallen
there is no such thing as frivolity, frivolity is a concept, not a thing

I have holes in my mouth but nowhere else
everywhere else I am whole

zeina

2008-07-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

MORE MUNDANE SECRETS REVEALED

My grocery list

baking soda
conditioner
sunscreen
rice cakes
brown rice
salmon
rice noodles
kale
zucchini
lara bars
dandelion tea
nettle tea
almond butter
almond milk
lamb
tofu
quinoa
feta
plums
carrots
hummus
bell peppers
onions

Right now I am reading American Islam, which is kind of a strange book because it doesn't really address actual Islam in America, simply the political strife surrounding it. I am not sure what I was expecting, or why I had expectations to begin with. It seems I am often hoping for a person or medium to go straight into the heart of a subject- but subjects are not simply subjects by themselves, they affected by and a product of many surrounding subjects. So my hoping is a little green behind the ears.

I have a lot of blue, green and black clothing. I took some pants to the tailor today. I really need a haircut.

I have been thinking about time a lot lately, and what it means to different people. How time transfers from culture to culture, and how it plays into the feeling of "realm" or "zone." I think about this a lot when I imagine walking in Indonesia, where so many people walk slowly. Something I could use a bit of practice at.

just a trip to California and a couple weeks away...

cakebread

2008-07-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

Today I am thinking about alternate realities.

are you ready for a hug

2008-06-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of things to tell you but they're secrets. I want to keep more secrets for myself, not necessarily deep, hidden secrets, but secrets of the mundane. For example, I'm not going to tell you what I just ate or anything about my shower routine.

I like secrets because, if you keep it totally private, it is something that you can share just with yourself. And it makes yourself feel special, like yourself is the only one. I also like sharing secrets with just one or two people, because then yourself and the selves of those other people feel special, too.

I also like secrets for power. When you have a secret you might feel more powerful than someone who doesn't. It's pretty cute because the power is an illusion. The person who you think doesn't have a secret does. Precious, precious.

My public news is that I don't feel scared to go to Java anymore, now I just feel excited. And I only have 2.5 weeks of work left.

FINE, I'll tell you. I just ate a nectarine and some pumpkin seeds with carob chips. In the shower, I get my hair wet, put in conditioner, soap up, exfoliate, shave, and finally, as the last step, rub baking soda in my hair to get the conditoner out. Shampoo is bad for curly hair, and I had to learn that the hard way, and I always had frizzy hair, and I thought I was ugly.

obsessive

2008-06-11T14:15:00.001-07:00

One knows that one is obsessived with travels to Indonesia when one gets the stomach flu and one thinks while over one's toilet, "Oh good, this will prepare me for vomiting overseas."

I will not miss this weather. Dreariness after dreariness.

I want the sun and smoldering liquid in the air, to have my thighs sticky with sweat, and to fever up under the mosquito netting.

Something must warm these bones...

the calm before the storm

2008-06-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

I bought my ticket for Indonesia (finally) yesterday. It took me awhile to get the Darmasiswa people to give me the exact date. Getting information from them is like pulling teeth. Anyway, I leave on August 13th. And I don't know exactly when I'll get back.

I really don't like it when people say "anyways."

Life is swimming along well in Seattle. A lot of nannying. A lot of musical thought and idea, but not so much in practice. I only have one gig left in Seattle before I leave. It is a nice feeling.

I have been reading a lot, praying a lot, eating a lot of meat and vegetables, drinking a lot of nettle and dandelion tea, and getting accupuncture.

My wisdom teeth (which have been SLOWLY coming in for two years) are killing me in their inability to realize that they are NEVER going to fit inside my tiny jaw. I'm having them removed on July 21st (alhamdulilla), but that cannot come soon enough. I have been using clove and oregano oil on them like nobody's business. I must smell like the Holiday season.

I thought I wanted to spend a lot of time being social before I left, but something tells me to just stay inside, or be outside and alone. I just want to lay down with a book, or have conversations with God, or watch documentaries from Netflix, or go for quiet walks or errands or dinners by myself. I feel as though all social or professional responsibilities are taking away from my blissful solitude and spiritual explorations. I must remember that God is in everything. And everything is God. It is silly not to see the face of God in the faces of my friends, in my music, in the children.

On Beacon Hill, the sun finally emerges.

a poem by sidra

2008-05-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

if your baby will be happy
your mama will know
your mama knows happy
if you've got a rainbow in your heart
if you go up in a plane
it will feel like a swing
and I like to play with the baby.

if your mama came
you won't be at home
you and your mama
will roll you in blocks
Hippo!

come on and play and swim
in the road with your uncle
it is in your nose
and I know you are
my mama

my mama said
"do not open the door!"
you open the gate
and the puddle.

this is my road, mama.

cats

2008-05-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

I thought today maybe I have had two lives. The first life was about survival. The second life has been about discovery. What is this new life?

mengapa cepat-cepat?

2008-05-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

When I found out that I got the Darmasiswa, I was mostly calm. On the phone with the Indonesian Embassy, I simply gasped and said "terima kasih," when Esti, the Indonesian woman told me that I was accepted. But then I hung up the phone and started bawling, I was so grateful. It is a good feeling to pray and pray for something for months and then have it come true. I put on Bob Marley and just ran all around Lisa's big wooden house, making phone calls and crying.

I am house-sitting for Lisa, Per, Andreas & Soren in Mt. Baker right now. It is huge and quiet with this insane view of Lake Washington and the I-90. When I was little I used to drive around on the freeway with my mom and see the traffic coming and going and thinking that the cars looked like streams of white or red ribbons, depending on which way they were going. I also used to think that the car windows were crying when it rained. Now is it obvious why I never learned to drive?

Yesterday was my friend Sam's CD release party for her band Reptet. I did some singing for this CD back in January. A lot of her tunes are on this CD, and I'm so proud of her.

It has been a wild month or so. In two weeks I gave my senior recital (so much work and intensity went into that), got the Darmasiswa grant and graduated. What a whirlwind. My dear family was here, and I reconnected with my Uncle John. We mostly all walked around together, enjoyed nature and coffee and each other.

So now my life is much more calm. Not as much performing (although there are a few fun gigs coming up) or practicing or rehearsing or cramming or exhausting myself. What an insane four years it has been. I cannot believe the changes that have happened inside of me, and the ways that I have found music.

Today was a nanny day. I walked with Xavier to Bradner Gardens. He ran through the flowers and grasses, picking dandelions and wild daisies as I sat in a rocking chair. The birds were singing. I could smell lilac. I am so happy. I wonder why I am giving up this blissful life for Java. I know it is good; music and travel and spiritual experience. But I love this too and I want to remember that, honor that. A few years from now when my life is completely different I want to remember that I loved this- I loved school and music and nannying and friends and art.

I want to spend the next two months relaxing, eating well, praying, being close with all my friends, dreaming. And also, about Islam. I have been exploring it, doing a lot of reading, trying to learn, praying. I want Islam and I want freedom in my life. I want the liberation of submission.

There is plenty of time.

Hi

2008-04-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

This will be my online journal about my trip to Java and studying sindhenan over there. For now though, I have a few more months to go.

And I am not really firmly rooted anywhere. I'm not really in Seattle anymore, and I'm not really in Indonesia. I'm just allowing myself to float. Where is my body? More confusingly, where is my heart?

I still have so many questions.